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1-3-09/8-09
1/3/09 Been very productive already with my UFO's as I thought to be for 2010. These Noro socks have been OTN since Stitches West 08 when I was able to go. NUTS! They were worked on in the car there and back and then became my theatre knitting and have sat ever since. Finally here's the Noro knee highs.
 I love that they are different.
 Here's DH's socks they are finished too! :-) I call this Finishitupitis! :-)
 The fog creeping through the valley.
 Here's Boopies coat finished this week too. The light yarn is plied together with yarn I spun from his hair!!! I love this coat it's really special due to where the yarn came from. He seems to like it and I'm sure it's really warm what with it being his hair and wool. I blocked it and it's all set to be worn now.
 My GF took DD ice skating today so I whipped up this cute little outfit for her. The skirt is a lovely to feel fabric somewhat thickish like denim but not denium. She wore black leggings and finished the outfit with a ruffled sock that I cranked out for her. Not the actual sock... LOL just the ruffle. The gloves and neck jabot are from a cashmere/wool blend. The hat is Knit Picks yarn and my merino. She made theblue neck scarf and the sweater was store bought. Terribly cute!!! She had a GREAT time... been talking about it for the last hour! LOL I'm so glad she got to get out for the day.
12/25/09 pm I hope you had a wonderful Christmas. Mine was spent at home with my immediate family and we had a lovely day. I got a nice long nap and really enjoyed myself today. Been working on a pair of socks that I still have OTN for DH... they were supposed to be for his b-day but that was over a month ago... Thought that they would be finished for Christmas but no such thing. I finished one of them today all but the Kitchner... brains are off so I will have to do that when I'm thinking again. the other has about 5" of the leg done. His feet are much larger then mine but I want to finish them for him right away as he needs them. It's super cold here of late.
These are knee highs that I dyed in my Enchanted Lake. The matching purple is to stretch them long enough to go over the knees as these are generous skeins and would have made it without the matching color but I wanted to make triple sure LOL. My knees are screaming for cover so this will be great! the colors are SO me.
These TwoUppers ... I was challenging myself with these. The yarn is from Emily Parson and it's Sophie's Toes in Cosmopolitan. There's only 362 or so yards in a skein and I used up every last foot of it. I always bead her stuff.... I really like this pattern of mine. I use a size 0 on the foot and a 1 at the ankle... a 2 at the cuff. I love how the beads ruffled with the way I bound off. The challenge was to do them faster then the ones I did below. I did these in TWO days!!!! I can hardly believe it but there's the proof right there in the photo! WILD.
Before I cast those socks on I finished my angora vest. I play a game called Country Life on Facebook and I feed the bunnies carrots... they make the angora and then I put it through the sweater machine. Well, it made me drool for an angora vest... so that's what I have now. I have a nice white collar that is fabric and crochet that ruffles and ties and hangs almost to the waist that will look great with this.
12/18/09 2nd time around was c/o last night and is a very happy looking coat!
 The semi solid pink will be used for the shawl collar to soften the color at my face as well as just wrapping up and snuggling in. I will trim the pockets and might make a belt if there's enough but I think it might only go for the collar.
 This is so much more pleasing to me and well worth the double work.
 This is the replacement yarn for the skein that came in a bit off. I really like this one... this is more what I was looking for and will turn into a TwoUpper shortly. The book is one that I have long been waiting for since listening to the PodioBook Chasing the Bard by the same author. This is the continuation of the story.
 These are actually pens we made. Bells, beads, flowers, cones and balls FUN! All very practically placed on the end of a pen!
I'm happy VERY happy to report that the kitchen table is EMPTY and DH has taken everything to be posted today! YIPEEEEEEE! One of the best words in the English language... DONE! LOVE IT!
12-16-09 I have been enjoying myself with knitting and crocheting between painful outpatient procedures and FMS flares. These will all pass... never as quickly as one would like.
It's been really cold here so I made up a hot cocoa mix for the children. Mostly the children anyway. They are enjoying it. Emily Parsons had an end of the year update and of course I had to purchase some sock yarn from her. I adore the way that she makes 50 million colors on one skein. I cast on Saturday and even loosing one full day was finished four days later.... five but I'm really not counting that lost day. (Long terrible story that I will skip for you). Cranked out a ton of little gifts and one large one. I got a wild hair and decided MIL needed a dip dyed Forest Canopy. I c/o that after the sox and b/o last night. LOL one lace shawl and one pair of Twoupers in two weeks. Pretty good if I do say so myself.
 Twoupper Vanilla with beads. c/o 12-5 missed a day to health, b/o 12-10. Used 0 on the foot, 1 on the ankle and 2 for the cuffs.
 Dip Dyed Forest Canopy Shawl, measures 54 x 30 through the center. c/o 12-11 b/o 12-14 and I wasn't monogamous! I can only imagine how it would be if I were!
 Remember this? (see post on 11-30). You might not recognize it as it was sherbert, c/o and worked up a bit.... couldn't take all the orange and so I had DD rip it all out and reskein it for me. The two that we tried to re-skein couldn't be put back together again... poor Humpty... so they went into a solid pink pot which turned them all kinds of colors and.... PINK! LOL it will be for the collar, cuffs, pocket trims and the like. I do believe this is closer to what I wanted... the roses. (post dated 11-24)
The kitchen table is groaning under the weight of all the gifts on it. I pulled them all out from their hiding places as I have been stashing them through the year while I finished them. One I put away so good it's still MIA. It will just have to do for next year.
 Mind you these are just the ones that have to be shipped... the local stuff is still in the back! I love LOVE LOVE giving!
 Something that will not remain MIA is the yarns I found as we re-organized two closets looking for the socks that are missing. These will have to be c/o and soon!
The children have been decorating and making cookies. They really enjoy rolling out dough and decorating so last night I heard what I thought was... so do we make a double batch? HAHA they are in the fridge waiting to come together so that they can bake today. Bless them. I can't lift a finger in the kitchen much any more so this is just sweet. I love that they are taking the Holidays and running with them.
 Gives you some idea of the height of this thing... we have a 12 foot vault.
 This is the coffee table. The children made the candle wreaths completely unsupervised,,, they did a bang up job! The doily front, center is from a most beloved friend.
 DD's wall O leaves... she made each of these and took days cutting them out, painting them with glitter and they arranging them on a few walls... yes there are many more. She's very industrious and talented.
 Plushie heaven... see I actually have them in real life too. Some of these were made... others purchased through the years. That scraggly plant... needs to be replanted... we actually got an organic cucumber off of the thing!
 A little table that the children set up. They really enjoyed decorating. What I didn't show is all the garland and lights that are on all the walls at the ceiling... what industrious workers I have!
Boxes keep arriving here ... a few were spinning work but for the most part they are gifts. I paid the children for all their hard work on the KAL dyeing and they spent all of it buying gifts! I'm most blessed to have such lovely children. Kate keeps coming to me saying it's so nice to have all these gifts to give to everyone. It feels so good to actually get them into the house. I couldn't agree more.
Just ordered 25 skeins of my 3 ply worsted weight merino... yes I'm closing down the dye biz... this is for me! :-) I will still dye for my family, gifts and myself. I have been really wanting to churn out a long, shawl collared cream sweater like one I had in the 80's. I love this yarn and wear the sweaters I made from it a lot so I might as well have "enough". ;-) LOL for at least one year anyway! HAHA This past few months saw me use up 20+ all on my own so this might just go faster then I think it will.
11/30/09 Tomorrow I go in for what might be my last shot of the series. I will miss them as they have been helping a great deal with the pain from the arthritis.
 Some of you may have heard me speaking about a silk top. This is it. I love the heather in the yarn from the 4 different colors of threads that make up this yarn. Love it! I've finished the decreases and almost through with the waist.
Can you tell what fiber this is? It's ANGORA! I have long known I was going to make a vest from this yarn. I guess I like blue huh? The burgundy in the background is the velvet bags DD and I made the other day. Just started it last night, only have 6 balls so it's a quick knit.
 Here's an update on the cash silk shawl. It was increasing too fast with 6 YO's EORow so I am just making one at each side of the center panel. I'm randomly putting in garter stitch or stockinette as I desire. I will dip dye the finished product in pink for a more solid look.
 Here's the Clapotis... I LOVE it! I'm not sure if I'm done increasing just yet I think I might take it up a notch still. I have a full 1200 yards of this yarn so it's not a problem. I want a shawl not a scarf.
Here's the yarn that I dyed from the roses below. It's become a top down, in the round coat. YUP all 12 skeins of it! :-) It's going to have a shawl collar.
11-24-09 I'm so happy it would be a crime not to share with you today. I got all of the KAL yarn all packed up after dyeing and drying and fans on all of the time... silence is sooooo GOLDEN! :-) I'm so happy to have them all shipping cause I know it will give pleasure to the recipients too. Not to mention the children who are tired of lugging pots. HAHA we are taking a few days off for Thanksgiving and I'm in a very thankful mood. There's nothing like a turkey dinner with home made stock to gravy and a sack O' Spuds! My all time favorite meal in the entire year... and I look forward to it all year long. That and the Christmas ham. DH buys us a HoneyBaked one every year. We eat off it forever, freeze some and then I make up a mean bean and ham soup that we also freeze some of. Good eats!
This is my latest craze... making me NUTS to dye it but I must rest the weary bones for another day looks (feels) like...
 replace the yellow with tan and put in a bit more pink with a washed out yellow... add the green to the lime and SHAZAM Old Rose of Texas done bit me! It's something I have been mulling over for a good long time. I only hope I can get that tan-yellow and nail it. DD has some socks OTN for me that are the perfect colors. I have been spinning these colors professionally and asked how to get them... she said there's NO tan in the mix and that pretty much freaked me out. She's ever so much better then I am and there's no way I will ever get that good. So for now I will rest... later I will play.
Need to get you a few updates on all of the projects I'm finishing but for now I need to take a few minutes off. Have a great day, knit something!
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PM I totally forgot about the main reason why I was taking photo's today... my lovely doily. Look closely and you can see like a 3-D around the flowers. It was so worth all the work. LOVE IT! It's perfect on my coffee table. Doncha think?
 Sorry it's blurry, I am getting the old persons head bobble along with the hand shakes. Oh well, comes with the turf.
Here's Hazel Knits Baroness III.... need to know what shawl to make from it... not lace as the colors will detract? What do you think?
 and here's the Clapotis! I finally broke down and cast one on. I don't like written patterns... I don't want to mess with all the sm'... I'm just winging it cause it just feels wrong. Something this simple just shouldn't be this hard. ;-) plus it's the FMS fog... I just can't do the writing. I got it though... and it seems like a fast, simple knit.
So see the little hot pink wires? That's my b-day present from my beloved hubby. He bought me an ITouch... I once said that I wanted one but really didn't expect it. There's so much on there that I will never use and never get as I'm so technologically challenged but I think (operative word think) that I finally got the podcasts down pat. I had to learn about this new podcasts off of a new puter so it was difficult... but I think I got a handle on it. So it's got a glass on the front and scared me a good bit as I'm very clumsy now too. So I bought a silicone cover and it came with a free scratch proof cover for the screen. I love this thing! I can actually play books for the children right off of it as it's got this speaker.... crazy man! I didn't like the white ear phones... they were hard plastic and VERY uncomfortable so I bought the ear phones to match. If you look close you can see the bling on the outside of the ear piece and there's another where the two slide together. Who knew I liked pink? I sure didn't till this last few months. ahhhh bling ;-)
11-21-09 Well time for a photo blog of sorts. I haven't been knitting for higher which has given me plenty of time to work on personal knitting.
 Here's my cash/silk shawl. Just a garter/stripe/st st wrap for the sake of the fiber more then anything else. It was roving that I spun up into a thread and plied up with pale grey/lavendar and a bit with the pink. I plan on making a lovely lace border from the pink and perhaps adding beads? Might have to dip dye the body of the shawl before heading to the border but it's still in the beginning planning stages so there's plenty of time to decide.
This is the Vert... sorry about the photo's my ailments have me shaking badly today. There's finishing left... need to open the neck and waist and crochet a rolled hem in black. Should be a quick finish though.
 This is a gift... it's Silk Garden,,, my first... can't wait to see it in action. It's a scarf, stole, belt, vest. Basket weave onthe middle and garter edging. It will get large Navy buttons... the kind that the Navy has on their wool coats. There's a bit of shaping to the front for the vest... terribly cute.
 Just so you know we aren't slacking while doing all this knitting. ;-) Winter KAL and 2 custom orders for sweaters. Just need labels.
This is my Classic Lines Rainbow cardi. The color changes are so very subtile... you can just barely see the purple at the hemline. I have been knitting in the black now for a bit. It's going slowly in the thread but it's so nice, thin and just wonderful. I did one of these up for Knit Picks and it was so nice I had to have one for me. A wonderful indoors sweater.
Malabrigo (thread) socks. These are on 0's and are very nice and comforting to work on. I think that the pattern is called Blueberry waffle.
My Blue Pine jacket which as you can see is very close to completion. Another project that had to be set aside for work knitting that just MUST be finished. With all of the fair isle knitting I've done you'd think that I'd have a closet full but this is my first keeper. I really need to do more. I so love it. I have enough yarn for a few more sweaters but I need to make them in fingering instead of sport (WW) as this will be a very warm sweater when I'm done.
My first pink sweater. This doesn't show you the long ribbed arms. :-) It's really sweet. I bought buttons for it (steeking it) and they should be here shortly. Buttons4U.com is local. I got enough for the pink, Blue pine and the Poisen.
Poisen needs it's button bands.... just the other day I found the perfect buttons for it so I have been just waiting for them.
This is the sock I work on when I go to the doctors. I keep pulling the needles out so I ordered some cute froggy DPN holders from Etsy yesterday. This is Fleece Artist seawool. Seems a bit twine like, I sure hope that comes out in the wash as I bought a good bit of this yarn for sweaters.
This is the thread crochet table cloth I've been working on for years. It's folded and ontop of a dresser so you can see it's massive. :-) One of these days it will grace our table.
A thread crochet vest I have stashed away for too long. This was the perfect size for DD and might need a few more repeats added now... all these years later.
This is DD's Vert. She's been working on her's cause I had mine out. She's got a lot done though and I'm going to encourage her to finish it.
9-27-09 It's beginning to look like this past week was just an extremely bad Fibro flare. I'm feeling more like myself now and very happy to say that! Just for posterity I wanted to get down the exact events which led up to this past week.
One of these things I could have handled but all of them one on top of the other was what sent me over the edge.
1) Spun up about 55 skeins of art yarn
2) Went to doctors on 9-9; leaving the house causes flares.
3) Got on steroids for the inflammation so I wasn't sleeping (sleeping 9-10 hrs a night makes FMS lighter)
4) Dyeing during the spinning 4 days worth of dyeing as it was double dyed - 20 skeins
5) Found patterning error which lead to ERRATA on the brand newly published pattern (I guess they didn't test it). Said work has a three week turn around so this weighed in the mix as it's an entire sweater in pieced Fair Isle.
6) Add to that going to LA again 9-22 to see the doctor, add to that hearing another chronic illness and oh btw,,, stop speaking or you will loose your voice altogether. So then I went to see Mommy as I just couldn't cope any longer. It was super hot down there and anything over 80 causes more pain. So... it all adds up real well doesn't it! UGH LOL
I have to get you some photo's I had finished a bunch of stuff before all of this went down and they are needing posting. Finally I can get back to knitting again. You KNOW I'm sick when I can't even knit... which I couldn't till today. Today I feel like I have rejoined the land of the living and I'm very happy to report that, PRAISE THE LORD,,, I'M BAAAAAAAACK!
9-22-09 HOLY CROW HAVE WE BEEN HOPPING HERE! I don't know quite where to start though!
Little Seeing Red is OoffTN and I there's a photo just below this little "health update".
Been dyeing up a storm for the Winter KAL, samples that aren't making it into the KAL are available now for a cut price, those are on the Hand Dyed Yarns page. The price will be higher for the KAL so snatch them up now.
Check the destash page for some Peace Fleece worsted. GREAT DEALS!
What with having insurance and not really sharing on "lists" and stuff I decided to start a blog. What follows will be a sort of journal interspersed with photos and updates.
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Middle of September I finally got into see my GP Doctor. He "thought" I might have sacroilitis which is why I haven't been able to walk since 11/08. Inflammation of the joint in the pelvis.... on each side of the spine, there's is a joint, who knew! I got on the steroids and slept like 6-7 hours per night (compared to the 8-10 needed for the FMS to get to a tolerable pain level). Now I'm coming off of them I'm sleeping better. (FMS flares big time with less sleep but it's been short lived) and then go to the pain doc for cortisone shots. He ran a slew of tests and the results have been slowly processing.
The first real confirmed diagnosis was that my doctor told me I was SEVERELY deficient in vitamin D. I haven't been out in the sun since I couldn't leave the house from the pain I had, it was all just too much getting me ready let along getting down the hill to see anything. So for the last year I have only been out to see doctors. Well my doctor prescribed this RX of D in a gel cap that's so strong I only take twice a week. Then I get to out into the sun. Well, it's working!!!!!!!!!! I can hardly believe that all that horrible pain wracking my body wasn't FMS that it was just a D deficiency! Can you believe it! I can hardly believe that I'm walking around saying, I feel better. Not well by a long shot but I feel sooooooooo much better then I did before the sun and D. I'm just like.... REELING!!!! better isn't a word that's been in my vocabulary for far too long. Least it's not something that's been there for this past year +. I get cold sores all over my face with too much sun and some online buddies have helped me to learn what I can and can't do to “get sun” but SAFE sun. Must be a better way. I have a three on and around my nose... taking up way too much space. Cest LaVie, easier and less painful then those muscle pains were. So now I use block on my face, wear cotton t-shirt and skirt and I'm ok. Getting tanned which I thought was a no no but I need that sun.
Hearing about the D was GREAT, they found something that they can and fix that isn't something that happens for me. Normally it's “sorry you have another chronic ailment for which there is no cure and only the end of life will bring relief”. So the D being fixable made me smile! I was so happy that they were working on putting me back together again. It would be grand if they could fix the back and I could walk again. I don't have to go on the treadmill for 2.5 hours again,,, just walk about a bit with my family. Just to go to church and shopping is all I want.
Then there are my two dreams. They seem so very far away now and are getting further away with the more test results that come in. If I could walk I would go on that cruise! If, when I get my health back I'm going to do all of the things I wanted to do when I was in so much pain that I wanted to be dead. So as soon as I can walk I'm going to live as if it were my last days. Going back to church, going to go on that cruise and take my family to country-region place Scotland, regardless of the costs.
So here's the deal with my ailments, think of my body as an upside down pyramid which was filled to the brim in layers. The top layer was the D deficiency which was causing this horrible pain throughout my entire body. Now I'm getting the cold soars but hey NO WAY I want to go back into all of that pain again! I will take the soars. Winter is going to be a challenge as we have fog, rain, snow you name it so there isn't sun. What I was feeling after the first day of the Vitamin D was the first major layer of pain diminishing.
The next layer and rest of the filler is the arthritis, then FMS, IBS, HBP, MVP, PA, Celiac, Bells Palsy, Endometriosis, Pityriasis, ulcer, bursitis/arthritis in too many joints to list,,,, etc etc, all of which are chronic lifers for which there are no cures and must be endured. Of course depression fits in there with all of those as you can't be a lifer without it.
One of the hardest parts is loosing my brain and myself. I have to die to them both. I will never be the same go getter type that I was. I can only hope to be able to hold onto what little sanity I have and march through this. When I'm really ill all I can say is, “I'm so sick” there are many more words that want to come out and explain but all that I can do is repeat that,,,"I'm so sick". It's heart breaking not to be able to speak like this. To feel like you are loosing not just the body but the mind as well. The utter confusion, lack of clarity (can you tell this isn't one of those times?) It's in the middle of the night and I'm sort of “on” a bit. Anyway the ones that they were able to fix was the D and Chronic Appendicitis and now I'm left with adhesions which are very painful... but that goes hand in fist with Celiac and endometriosis. I don't even want to get started on my stomach pain with all of this other pain in my spine and neck. They are the more important ones so that I can stop sobbing from and agony of it all. Eventually we can consentrate on what's wrong in my gut but for now we have to hit one thing at a time... the one that's screaming loudest, my spine. What follows is a bit of journaling if you will.
9-18-09 am I'm doing ok. Late last night I had horrible shooting pains down my back but the steroids have given me my voice back! Go figure, I don't get that. Don't sleep more then a few hours a night, fitfully but that was expected. Going to make another appointment with the pain guy for the shots. Hoping he will do the knees to as I didn't know how much that they hurt till I had less body pain.
9-18 pm Got a phone call from the doctors office. Turns out it isn't the sacroiliac isn't but the low back which has of all things!!! arthritis!!! NOT something I wanted to hear. I don't need more arthritis as my body is riddled with it which is why I can't walk, cook, clean,,, nor live. I probably wont walk again as arthritis is yet another permanent condition with no cure.
9-22-09 Saw and ENT (Ear Nose and Throat) specialist for my throat and then I will go to the pain management doctor and see if he can get me some relief. I have laryngitis comes and goes due to whatevers ailing it. It's in a weird place... front of the jugular/throat... left and right... mostly left. He says there's a bone there. Who knew? So they numbed me and sent a scope down. Said there was good news and bad news. Said that there's no damage, growths, polps or anything out of the ordinary. Other then a thorax swelling which is most likely to the reflux. She said she couldn't see anything further as she's only inside of the throat and not between the throat and the skin which is where all the pain is. The bad news is that I have to stop talking or I will cause damage where there is none yet. I asked about whisper and she said that could make it worse. She thought it was caused by the FMS or arthritis…. But there's no way to know for sure. When I asked about a different type of doctor she didn't know. I will ask my GP as we are going back there 10-20 for a follow up and a mammo.
Last night I realized what happens that makes it hurt. It's not just talking, eating, swallowing but it's crying. I was in horrific pain late last night and I sobbed broken hearted for about an hour. Finally took a large tranq/muscle relaxer and after 20 minutes was able to stop. The pain was so terrible and there was nothing I could do to make it stop. I prayed and cried out and it was just horrific. Labor pain is the only thing I can liken it to. Yet not as at the end of that pain you have a lovely infant who helps you to forget the pain. Me,,, it just keeps building, getting into more places in my body and keeping me just barely on this edge of sanity.
Ok so today is now 9-25 pm. We went down to LA on 9-22 and man has it been really bad since then. It's probably the FMS flaring what with being so physical (passenger in a car!) along with all of the other stuff just screaming out loud together. I spoke with my GP today and he confirmed there is arthritis in my low back and neck so this makes sense. 9-23 screaming pain for 2 hours from 7-9p. 9-24 woke from sleep screaming pain. 9-25 6pm got out of the tub in screaming pain. I find that tranquilizers are a must when this happens as it only gets worse. This last one.... I took the tranq and a pain med right away and it's over.... it's now 7:16 and I'm feeling well enough to type which is saying something. I want answers, can you tell? The more info I can give to my doctors the better a chance they will have of helping me.
That's the short version of the "history" if you will. Now for what happened in my heart.... which is just,,, well, hard. Warning, this might hit you hard to hear the story, it's not at all complete... just the surface. I don't like to complain so when people ask how are you, I don't know what to say. Tell them the truth and it's seen as complaining. Tell them fine and it's a lie.... I don't lie.
Hope? What is it? Is there more then one type?
Folks tell me that I have to have hope and my response is that there is none for my physical body. Further, I will attempt to explain why I can't ever "hope" to get better as having "hope" in my condition,,,, it KILLS!!! Here you can see me going from a super excited (9-18),,, perhaps this will work to... utter devastation (9-25). Which is why I have a love hate relationship with medicine. I want to know what's wrong to see if I can get better but normally they tell me there's no cure for what ails me.
Last time I checked there were no more miracles being performed so I'm not waiting for a miracle any more. I can't have hope only to have it crushed again and again. I gave up praying for my health years ago. That's not totally true. I cry out to the Lord when I'm in a ball on my bed groaning. This has been coming on since 1990 and has really been bad since 2000 but got even worse in the last 3 years with just groaning in bed huddled into a ball... (last night from the pain) talk about got it bad! The illnesses listed above are all different, chronic, no cure things,,, none of which will kill me ... which is unfortunate as so much of the time I'd rather not have to endure another day. Knowing that I have only the "beginning" stages of arthritis with this crippling, debilitating pain... well, it's very hard to wrap my brains around it.
The thing some people don't understand is that pain kills. I wont get over any of this, I can't just move on.... keep a stiff upper lip or even a positive attitude when the pains are all in full swing. So unless they find cures for all of that ails me... come on, like that's going to happen,,,there will be no change. If you tell me to be positive when you are well and healthy, forget it, don't even go there! Until you have experienced the excruciating pain that can come upon me for what seems no good reason… until you can be in my body when I'm incoherent and can't even tell you my name as the pain has ridden roughshod over all that I know to be true… until then hush please as you only cause more pain. This type is emotional from not being understood loved and cared for as we are… crippled. It's not that we want a pity party…. Most of us just want to be understood, loved and stood by.
So... pray if you would like to. I begged and pleaded for years and I just can't do it any more. My life is committed to a bed, chair, my house, doctor's offices and nothing else. It's really a sad state, I can literally just sit here. No walking, speaking, cooking, cleaning, nothing, just sit. I knit but my brains seem to be jello and it's getting harder to understand even the simplest of tasks. When I'm in a flare, when the arthritis is crippling me,,, I can do nothing, literally... no knitting, nothing makes any sense and so I just sit. Come on, I'm only 46!!!! What will it be like in 10 years! 15? 20? This could go on getting much worse for so very long.
It's been like trying to nail said jello to a vertical plank in the hot sun. I try really hard to keep positive but I'm still reeling from the last "bit of news" (9-18pm, 9-22 and 9-25 above) that I just can't seem to cope with. Top it all off I can't talk to anyone about it as the doctor told me to stop using my voice. This is now my only venue,,, typing which is why I'm EVER so grateful for finding my online buddies. Not only can we met online but I have met a few in real life and some have been wonderful relationships.
Regarding Hope…..
Lets get back to the hope thing. I lost all hope years ago and must have no hope in order to live. I know that to be true for me. That probably doesn't make much sense to you though so allow me to try and explain. Christians say that if you have life there is hope and that hope is in Jesus. That's all fine and good, I have that hope… of Christ and a healthy fear of taking my own life which is why I can't. Even Job didn't have it like this and his was a short term deal. I'd love a happily ever after where I get better then has been given all these years… but then again there are no miracles and I'm not expecting one.... I only have to live with the hand I have been dealt.
The hope I'm talking about… it's a different hope. This is the small ember that everyone fans when I get another doctors appointment or more tests. This hope that fans and I can actually smile when in their offices … hoping beyond hope that this time… perhaps this time they will find something that they can fix. My fantasy world comes to life, fiction, not fact. There is no cure for FMS and Arthritis, etc, so I'm to live, to keep going. The first question that comes to mind is HOW! How do you go from screaming, sobbing in a ball in your bed from the agony to getting up in the morning, putting clothing on and sitting in a chair all day long… only to do it all over again. The most I can manage is to take some type of care for my physical body. I have to be fed by others and all that. Think about this. Just the act of clothing myself can be horrible. Then there's bathing which takes so very much out of me that I can only do it once or twice a week. I haven't had a shower in a year but rather have to use the tub regardless if I like it or not. Think of these things… they are all so very difficult for me and just come naturally for the healthy and I have had to re-learn everything.
When I hope, I die more each time. When I come to the end of all of the hope... then I can have a different kind of hope. I have to come to the end of the “possibility” type of hope. The hope that says perhaps this time will be different so that I can live. You know what that old adage?
“Keep doing the same thing over and over
and you will continue to get the same results.”
I know in my heart that this is going downhill and there's no end for it, that it will only get worse and worse. I know that if I would have gotten help last November when it really hit that I might have had a chance at walking a little again. I know so much that I don't want to know. So for me... I have to get past the "hope".
I have to get past the "hope" that perhaps they will find something curable, or something that will make the pain more tolerable (yes I've tried everything). I have to get beyond all of that to the other side where there is a sort of peace. Or complacency or something at least that I can tolerate, a place where I can live. I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin knowing that I will never be any better then I am right now. It's not good and right now I've been on the steroids so they have helped. I'm "better" then I was just a week ago but it's just not good enough... I'm still stuck in this chair, in all this horrific pain. So this is my lot in life and I have to learn to live with it... not with hope! If I have any hope... it will be crushed flat AGAIN. Then I will sink even lower then before “trying again” and be an emotional as well as physical cripple.
So please keep your hope to yourself and give mesome light and laughter. Give me friendship, solace, a listening and an open heart. Give me love that doesn't hinge on my imbalanced mind and body. Love that will just gently hold me and allow me to cry and not have to think about what is coming just around the bend.
Allow me to get to the end of hope so that I can live again.
9-25 back to the knitting. :-)
 Here's Pierre on my lap with my Little Red (AKA Seeing Red) I just adore them both. I made up this sweater, for more info see below.
8-22 I have been knitting up a storm over here. Seeing red is about 2" shy of needing the sleeves. I'm going to make the braid up the top center of the sleeve. See the braid off of the center button band? It almost blends in on this photo if you look hard you will see it.
 This is Bloooee, she's for a good, sweet older woman who comes to visit me from time to time. We talk books, supplements, URL's, classics and the like. We have great salads and watch an episode of Due South together. It's so lovely to have her here. Forest Canopy is just a really fast shawl. I'm doing it on 7's and this is half of it... after only a few hours. It's a memorizable chart so there's no mistakes. Working it up on sock weight so it's a faster then fast knit.
 We use a lot of coaster around here as we have a fine wood coffee table that we like to keep nice. All of the glass/ceramic ones broke so I find that these work so much better. Not to mention the fact that they are very absorbent cotton so there's never any spill off of say a glass type coaster. So I just made the purple and white one, I copied it off of the blue one that someone else made for me. I'm thinking of making at least two for a friend.... then there's a set... so that's a good thing.
 These are the latest socks for DH. I have made him a few in the past that were never worn due to a bunch of terrible things. Like the first pair, UGH! I'm ashamed to put my name to them and I think I might have even TOSSED them when I was trying to figure which ones to make for him. Those first attempt are just flat out embarrassing. They had a 1" rib and slouched... they were knit on 2's so it was like walking on large rice, UGH! So then last year I made him a FI pair with all these cool markings.... still slouched. So this time I knit the ribbing for about 5" and then went into st st. As you can see one of them has the heal flap done and the other's just into the st st. Hopefully I will get these done in time for his b-day middle of November. Gee, what do do for DS? His b-day is a few days later.
Ok, so that's my update for today. Have a great one.
8-20-09 Well the bees were a swarm and they moved on! Who knew. So my tree... FINE no problem, not even a sign that there were all these bees there just yesterday.
Finished the Sipalu bag in only a few days... cool eh! I think I'm going to make some double i-cord handles. Cast on another shawl today ;-) for a sweet friend.
OH and I listened to the Woman in White by Wilkie Collins from librivox.org... WOW what a great "read" I highly recommend you listen to it or get it and read it... great book!
DD has been suffering from allergies and so I made up a saline solution in a tiny glass vial with a glass dropper. I added an essential oil called antiviral nasal protection. It has a few different EO's in it including eucalyptus so it works really well so far.
Made a double thick really pretty thread crochet coaster today. We never seem to have enough coaster so this was a welcome addtion.
OOOHH and I ordered my lap top! I'm so excited. I have needed one for YEARS. There are so many times when I physically can't get out of bed or sit here before the main computer so this has been a really big deal. I got one with a really great artistic cover and then a slip cover for it to protect it. I can't wait to see if I can figure out all of the new programs. I'm going to add more to it very slowly as I want to learn all that I can instead of just diving in head first. Which means I will finally get to go play on Ravelry, Facebook, Twitter or wherever I please. DD will get this one as she's needing to start schooling again and so this will separate the school from the play. Perhaps I will even begin to blog! Wouldn't that be a trip! I actually have a blog... just never activated that or my Facebook but with everyone (YUP including my mother) asking me to activate Facebook,,, well, it's just time.
8-17-09 ok we have a BEE INFESTATION! HOLY CROW!
This photo... it's the size of your monitor in real life. Why did they pick on my only good tree? The other one's dying... you think that they would pick on that one? Noooo they have to do this in my good tree. buggers... get it bug... haha
8-14-09 Here are my new Cake N Icecream slouchy socks.
 I dyed them myself and made them from 100% merino, extra large so that they will felt. Yes, you heard me FELT! I adore felted socks as I have a few foot conditions which mean that felt works great for socks for me. I just make sure I make them about 1.5-2" larger all around. These worked up soooooo fast. I believe I cast on the first one and finished it in 24 HOURS! LOL I do love this yarn and the colors are so nummy! and then they will felt up and be sooooooooo snuggly! I have a top in bamboo OTN that works with these (almost finished) and it's got lacey flopphy sleeves with lace at the v-neck. Then I have a pink skirt which goes perfect! Too bad I'm house bound! HAHA oh well, it's fun to work up anyway.
 Here's the yarn I dyed up for my Rainbow Stockings. I just LOVE this photo from Sock Summit which appeared on Knitting Daily.
 I just had to have my own done in my own colors. I have finished the purple foot and am at the short row heal with the purple and sapphire! NUM I might change colors for the top of the foot but haven't made up my mind about that. I guess that the yarn will tell me as I am weighting it all to make sure I use exactly half... this way I have just the right amount for the second sock which will be c/o soon. I will be working a pattern on the front of the sock from Wendy Knits newest book. The hearts and flowers most likely. Then I will do 2 x 2 ribbing up from the calf on to the top so that they have a better chance of staying up. Nothing like stockings that fall down on you all of the time. ;-) Ask me how I know. LOL
Here's an update on Seeing Red for you. I just ADORE this knit still... good thing that as I'm not half done. LOVE IT!
 Needs the perfect buttons... if you see them please tell them to come home! DH tried and got me a matte finish round and a heart shape. I'm not partial to either. I had a red sweater as a child and the buttons were luminescent pink/red. They were so lovely, plain and perfect. That's what I'm looking for. So if you see them, please tell them to come home.
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What with my work knitting and spinning being all caught up I have been able to work on my personal knitting again,,, so wonderful DH having a job I just love it!
My Blue Pink Jacket... you can see the front steek and the peplum here... the lice at the top... almost to the underarms,,, just increasing the bust up a bit. I will continue on in the round even though the pattern said knit back and forth as lice don't like to purl. I'm going to add more patterning to the collar and change that as well.
Here is the Gail KAL with Icelandic Lace Shawl group on YahooGroups.com I'm using a pastel of Seacell... LOVE IT, this is going to be a small head wrap type of shawl as there's only 400 meters in the skein and I only have the one skein so it will be a quick knit.
 Yes I even did a wee bit of sewing! Here's Pierre,,, Pierre say hello to the lovely people who came to see you. "Enchante' Mademoiselle,,,, Monsieur". Wee Pierre is nestled into my mini roses for size and you can see his "faces" we haven't decided which he will take but he will be outfitted with a white muslin Poets blouse shortly. ;-)
Dad and Shane at the Golf Course in the mountains. This is where he works now. He's managing a bunch of services at this mountain community. We are all very happy for him.
DD's first look at her (new to us) Lane Hope Chest. We have wanted one for many years so I was so excited to see it come up on our local FreeCycle! It's so nice. Needs a revamped cover as the gal who had it was chipping off the top veneer. I was thinking about batting and fabric, covered with that see through vinyl. It would then double as a nice bench in her room. She's long been learning all of the different handiworks and has many items to put into it. I'm so happy for her.
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